She sits at the back of the room blinking hard,
Wobbling her leg, picking at her fingers and willing her heavy eyes to lighten
just for a second so she won’t nod her head and drift into her dreams.
She stifles waves of big beautiful yawns to avoid attention
but ends up looking slightly deranged.
This girl is stressed She isn’t learning, it won’t go in!!
Distracted by uninvited thoughts that bounce around like an overstimulated puppy.
Pouring scarce energy into staying alert, looking interested, sitting still,
being “good” yet tiring herself out all the more. Her neutral face looks bored & passive
but the cover does not represent this book. Her careful handwriting becomes illegible, snaking down the page as she drifts into the land of nod.
She’ll have to borrow notes from a friend to catch up & feel less than & lazy. Suddenly a sense of calm arrives & she’s thrown into a colourful dream, permeated by soft snoring.
However she’s abruptly awoken by an angry tutor, “oh I’m sorry, am I boring you?!”
This role model passes judgement & hands out shame. It’s happened again. She must try harder.
Those self inflicted impossible standards are raised to the rafters. That inner critic becomes louder & that bright, vivacious girls shrinks smaller & smaller until she almost disappears.
She waits for the bell, willing the ground to swallow her up, detecting judgemental eyes upon her.
This girl isn’t rude or disrepectful. She puts in endless hours to catch up in every aspect of her life, reaching for perfection, painfully achieving her goals & self inflicted impossible standards.
Standards that she carries through life weighing on her, heavy as lead. This girl is fiercely intelligent, beautifully gifted & creative.
Fizzing with ideas, she absorbs knowledge like a sponge if the conditions are just right. Sensitively soaking up emotions like a paper towel, but ignoring & neglecting her own.
She is fiercely loyal with a sense of justice like no other.
This girl is me. Learning to yawn again aged 42.
Learning to regulate & soothe my mind & body, not suppress & stress.
This girl is & always was just as she should be. Perfectly imperfect.
This girl will not be my big beautiful daughter.
Emma Anderson
(Hi Rachel I met you at the infinite women day in Leyland. I wrote a poem the day after inspired by your work and wanted to share it with you)